Thursday, June 3, 2021

Can I Believe You?


Devastated by the sudden death of someone who helped me on my journey towards recovery.

Thanks to each person I’ve encountered on my path who has made such an impact on my life.

Grateful for every moment of connection or inspiration, no matter how brief or profound. 

The pain I feel when the connection ends shows me how much I still care.

Thinking of everyone grieving this tremendous loss.

Self Portrait by Malinda Ann Hill

My journey of recovery from as eating disorder relapse as of June 7, 2021.

Before the pandemic, I participated in the Portraits of Health Project by John Cruice Photography.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step

My journey of recovery from an eating disorder is similar to my experience with running. My path has not been linear – there have been steps forwards and steps backwards. I take one step at a time – sometimes joyfully, sometimes painfully. I decided to share my experience, strength and hope in the midst of my journey so that others know that they are not alone and healing is possible.

Unfortunately, I continue to struggle greatly on my path.

Where the Sidewalk Ends by Malinda Ann Hill

On March 31, I shared my story with Virginia Sole-Smith in her New York Times article “Trapped in the House with an Eating Disorder” to help raise awareness.

Trapped in the House with an Eating Disorder

On May 14, I was discharged from a virtual partial hospitalization program I began on March 15 because the program suddenly closed.

On May 17, I received authorization to attend a virtual intensive outpatient program while waiting for assessments from the only two virtual eating disorder programs approved by my insurance.

As I continue on my path of recovery, I’m supporting the National Eating Disorders Association (NEDA), writing about my experience and compiling information.

It has not been easy to find virtual treatment options during the pandemic and NEDA offers support and resources.

If you’ve found help or you’re willing to share your experience, please comment below.

Thank you for your kind words and support.

Current theme song on repeat:
“Can I Believe You” by Fleet Foxes

Can I believe you?
Can I believe you?
Can I ever know your mind?
Am I handing you mine?
Do we both confide?

I see it eat through every word I sow
See what you need to, do you doubt it's yours?
Now I'm learning the ropes, never get this close
I've been wounded before
Hasn't let me go

It never got less strange, 
showing anyone just a bare face
If I don't, well, nothing will change
Staying under my weather all day

Can I believe you when you say I'm good?
I didn't need to when I wished you would
No it isn't enough
Never held that much
Now another way up
Been a row too rough

It never got less strange, 
showing anyone just a bare face
But if I don't, well, nothing will change
Staying under my weather all day

Lately I'm wondering too
What type of desire I can break
When I'm one way with them, one with you
What half is it of me rearranged?

Can I believe you?
Can I believe you?
I want to need you
I want to need you
Can I believe you?
Can I believe you?

Songwriter: Robin Pecknold

Can I Believe You on The Late Show with Stephen Colbert



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